The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
