im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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