The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
