I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
