New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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