FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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