you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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