I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Houston, we have a blender
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
