Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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