I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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