I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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