So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
we're so committed to being not committed
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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