You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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