if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
