forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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