Your dad touched me again.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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