Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
