If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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