I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
