just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
