Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
