He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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