so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
