I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
