the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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