he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
