Im at strip club and am horny
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
