Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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