Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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