woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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