My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
