Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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