Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
