just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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