see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
