She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
