We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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