I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
