you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
