We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize