If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize