i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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