Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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