Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
