She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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