i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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