Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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