he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Randomize
