I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
