Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
