when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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