had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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