don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
