I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
