I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
