So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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