I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
