Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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