Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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