atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
