If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
