I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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