He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
