If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
